New year, new life

Sunday, August 17, 2014
I got my final signed divorce papers the other day. I didn't cry, I wasn't sad, I wasn't even angry. I just was. It was like looking at any other piece of meaningless paper. I think I feel that way because it seems to me that the whole thing was over long ago. I felt unloved for years...but that is fine. It wasn't my problem, it was his. As a result, I have an amazing new life:

Monday is the beginning of the new school year. We will be exploring education from home. Boo is in 6th grade now, and Bear is in 4th. As I looked through the myriad of books and curriculum I realized this is going to be our biggest adventure yet. I will need these darling girls to put aside their differences and work together to keep this home running. The curriculum choices I decided on are:

  • Apologia Science (Zoology...Land Animals) ~ I intend to get zoo passes to make the most of this
  • Mystery of History ~ I am starting at the beginning. One book a year...
*The girls are close enough in age that I can use the same book for each child
  • Grammar 4 & 6 by Saxon
  • Wordly Wise 4 & 6 for vocabulary
  • Aleks for Math
  • We will choose a language and use Rosetta Stone for that as well
I am very excited about this, and the girls are as well. I get to work from home, I get to be with the kids, and maybe, just maybe, we can get control of Bear's anxiety issues. 

I will post home school updates as we go, but this will not become a home school idea blog. Once my new contributor gets her page up and running, I will post it and you can venture there for all your home school needs.

Lenten Sacrificing

Thursday, March 6, 2014
So, I am not a huge fan of Lenten sacrifice. A lot of the "sacrifices" people make seem either weak and pointless, or like they were really more suited to be a New Year's resolution and they failed so this is like a do-over for them.

For forty days we shall give up tv, chocolate, sodas, fast food, spending money without needing to...and so on and so forth.

Given all that has happened in the past several months, almost a year really, I have decided to make a real set of personal sacrifices. I will sacrifice my pride, my own feelings, and, well, me.

This Lenten season will be spent on God. Repairing my relationship with him (although to be honest, I don't feel angry with him over my this shouldn't be too hard), repairing my children's view of him, prayer and fasting, where I can, and mending our broken little family.

So here is my plan and my promise to God:

We will, as a family, attend Mass weekly without reason to back out. {I have made this promise for my daughters, and they will help to keep it}
I will move on the rest of the way. I have moved on from the boy. I am still heartbroken, but mostly for my little girls who have been hurt so badly by lies and cheating and more lies. I plan to use this 40 days to pray for healing so we can simply breathe the freedom God has offered us.
We will pray before meals as a family.
I will let go. I will let of the weak girl the boy created and I will replace her with the woman she was before. There will be a whole transformation just for me. Just to say...I love me, and so does He.
I will be happy. I control this. No one else, I decide if I am happy or not. So for the next 40 days...I will be happy.

I know they may not seem like much, but these will be difficult to keep. My daughters are broken...I will fix them. I have forty days and the strength of God to do so. I will make sure my daughters are well on their way to healing during Lent. I will be responsible for this; I don't think I will be alone in this, but someone needs to be accountable for their feelings. I will be that someone. Our family needs no more than what it has right now to succeed.

*I did also make a resolution-y promise to get into the habit of blogging 5 times weekly.*

Reality check...

Saturday, November 2, 2013
So, here is it...all laid out.

I was a stay at home mom (looking for work, but not finding it) until I found a dating site with my husband's profile on it. My heart sank. I tried, but I knew when I saw it that we were done. There is no fixing that hurt and betrayal.

That was in June.

In August I learned I was pregnant. Let the crying commence. AGAIN.

Today I am a single mother of three with another on the way working from home, and struggling like my mom did. Everyday I wake up, take a deep breath and get the kids to school. I come home, I cry, then I work. I get the girls, we come home and eat, get the homework done, go to bed, and I cry.

The kids:

I don't cry because I miss the boy, I cry because my daughters are hurting. They die inside a little more each day. If there was a way to do this without them having any exposure, I would.

It broke my heart explaining to them what I was doing. I packed, we moved, and I filed divorce. Divorce was fine, but then I spoke to them about annulment. Boo is great with it, but that poor child is just...she is a mess. Bear, on the other hand, she sees a counselor for this whole mess...and she likes it! She likes it so much so that she will be seeing one for quite some time...

How Mama copes: I sank further into my faith. There must be a reason for this. God gave me these children, Boo is brilliant, and mature, Bear is...she is honest, so very honest. Baby girl...her gift, for now, is to calm me. She just calms me. Baby boy...oh yeah...#4? He's a BOY. Oh boy. Well, that is just ironic, but he is coming, and I can't wait to see his gifts from God.

I pray, often. I am planning a novena, I just haven't fully decided on what or how...we shall see.