Lenten Sacrificing

Thursday, March 6, 2014
So, I am not a huge fan of Lenten sacrifice. A lot of the "sacrifices" people make seem either weak and pointless, or like they were really more suited to be a New Year's resolution and they failed so this is like a do-over for them.

For forty days we shall give up tv, chocolate, sodas, fast food, spending money without needing to...and so on and so forth.

Given all that has happened in the past several months, almost a year really, I have decided to make a real set of personal sacrifices. I will sacrifice my pride, my own feelings, and, well, me.

This Lenten season will be spent on God. Repairing my relationship with him (although to be honest, I don't feel angry with him over my life...so this shouldn't be too hard), repairing my children's view of him, prayer and fasting, where I can, and mending our broken little family.

So here is my plan and my promise to God:

We will, as a family, attend Mass weekly without reason to back out. {I have made this promise for my daughters, and they will help to keep it}
I will move on the rest of the way. I have moved on from the boy. I am still heartbroken, but mostly for my little girls who have been hurt so badly by lies and cheating and more lies. I plan to use this 40 days to pray for healing so we can simply breathe the freedom God has offered us.
We will pray before meals as a family.
I will let go. I will let of the weak girl the boy created and I will replace her with the woman she was before. There will be a whole transformation just for me. Just to say...I love me, and so does He.
I will be happy. I control this. No one else, I decide if I am happy or not. So for the next 40 days...I will be happy.

I know they may not seem like much, but these will be difficult to keep. My daughters are broken...I will fix them. I have forty days and the strength of God to do so. I will make sure my daughters are well on their way to healing during Lent. I will be responsible for this; I don't think I will be alone in this, but someone needs to be accountable for their feelings. I will be that someone. Our family needs no more than what it has right now to succeed.

*I did also make a resolution-y promise to get into the habit of blogging 5 times weekly.*

Reality check...

Saturday, November 2, 2013
So, here is it...all laid out.

I was a stay at home mom (looking for work, but not finding it) until I found a dating site with my husband's profile on it. My heart sank. I tried, but I knew when I saw it that we were done. There is no fixing that hurt and betrayal.

That was in June.

In August I learned I was pregnant. Let the crying commence. AGAIN.

Today I am a single mother of three with another on the way working from home, and struggling like my mom did. Everyday I wake up, take a deep breath and get the kids to school. I come home, I cry, then I work. I get the girls, we come home and eat, get the homework done, go to bed, and I cry.

The kids:

I don't cry because I miss the boy, I cry because my daughters are hurting. They die inside a little more each day. If there was a way to do this without them having any exposure, I would.

It broke my heart explaining to them what I was doing. I packed, we moved, and I filed divorce. Divorce was fine, but then I spoke to them about annulment. Boo is great with it, but that poor child is just...she is a mess. Bear, on the other hand, she sees a counselor for this whole mess...and she likes it! She likes it so much so that she will be seeing one for quite some time...

How Mama copes:

Well...me? I sank further into my faith. There must be a reason for this. God gave me these children, Boo is brilliant, and mature, Bear is...she is honest, so very honest. Baby girl...her gift, for now, is to calm me. She just calms me. Baby boy...oh yeah...#4? He's a BOY. Oh boy. Well, that is just ironic, but he is coming, and I can't wait to see his gifts from God.

I pray, often. I am planning a novena, I just haven't fully decided on what or how...we shall see.

Has Arizona lost it's mind?

Sunday, October 20, 2013
So, I got a bit curious on the birthing laws in Arizona. Ok, well I know a lot of women who have illegal
midwives and home births here, and for good reason (I was unaware of these laws until now).

Please note: I am NOT an advocate for home birth (I like doctors and nurses and drugs, ok?). I am NOT a feminist. Oh...and if you have a complicated pregnancy none of what I say should apply to you...see a doctor...unless you are Christian Scientist...in which case...keep on doing what you're doing, I think you're all brave as can be.

Now...that being said. I have delivered (with the help of medical staff...ok...nurses really if we are being honest) 3 babies over the course of 10 years. There are a lot of women who have had many more...I know a few. Arizona seems to be under the silly impression that they know what is best for moms and babies. Not doctors, the STATE. My doctor is great, he is open, he is honest, and he knows I like drugs so we are all good. But, what if...just what if I wanted a home birth? I would have to hire a certified midwife, file paperwork with the state (seriously?) and then my midwife would notify the local ER when I go into labor? Umm...let me tell you how wrong this is. First, I want my midwife's FULL attention, second, the ER? Really? On any other planet if you call the emergency department and say you are in labor they will transfer you to L&D. Do you know why? Because labor is NOT an emergency. It is normal. TOTALLY NORMAL. Ugh. Oh, and usually they simply don't do the whole pregnant screaming woman in the middle of the trauma room thing...that is why they have a labor and delivery unit. Duh.

Oh and if you are having multiples, nope, you have got to go to the hospital. I cannot even be sure why...if positioning is good or can be manipulated to be good you should be fine. But, you know...whatever. And oh what a laugh this is, but if you are over 42 weeks pregnant (because it is a total science you know!) you cannot have a home birth at all.

I am disgusted...

I cannot support a government that thinks they know what is best in every aspect of my life. If you re-read what I just wrote about, you will note that most of the women (I didn't even list VBACs, which are about banned here) have no choice but a c-section. While I understand it aids in delivery, I cannot support one outside emergency situations because they lead to women being told they are limited to the number of children they can have, or worse...they can't have more period. With VBACs in Arizona you can only have had one c-section and that child must be over 18 months old. And the c-section has to have been for only certain reasons. This whole control thing has gotten out of hand.

Arizona is putting women's lives at risk by forcing those who would prefer a natural life to have an unassisted home birth. I cannot support that in any way.